Nice read...
Love Stories : I refuse to
Contributed by pInKgUrL (Edited by mimi)
I refuse to wait for you any longer. There was a time in my life when I would have saved myself for you alone. In my heart no one else would do. I belonged to no one else but you. That isn’t me anymore. My heart finally caught up with my brain and I finally saw that all of it was just nothing but fantasies. Dreams that only I wanted. There was no hope left for us. As each day passed, it became clearer to me that it was never meant to be. We were never meant to be.
I refuse to live in the past. What we shared lives in the past, it doesn’t control me any longer. Don’t get me wrong, I will forever treasure it but I won’t let it hold me back. I won’t let it ruin who I was and who I am now. For a time, I almost forgot who I was without you. I’ll never let that happen again. I won’t ever lose myself again.
I refuse to fight anymore. For several months now, I’ve been fighting. I’ve been fighting for our friendship and for us. However, no matter what I do, I seem to be losing. Whenever I feel as if I’m going to buckle down because of the pressure, the thought that somehow maybe you are fighting for us too kept me going. But months have passed, I haven’t heard from you. Somehow I finally realized that I was the only one fighting for us. I was doing everything I could possibly can for someone who was and never will be mine.
I refuse to believe that you didn’t love me. Somehow, someway, I know that I have a place in your heart. You may not have been able to love me the way I wanted you to love me but I know that even for just a second, you really did love me.
I refuse to lose hope. It may not be you. It may take me forever to find him, but I will. Tears have been streaming down my cheeks for too long but not anymore. I have learned so many things from all this. Things that I felt should have been taught to me some other less painful way but somehow I don’t regret it. It made me stronger. It made me look inside myself and really see who I really am and not who I thought I was. Hope kept me going. The hope for better things to come, the same hope that one day I will finally be over you.
i'm sadi'm depressedi think i'm having anxiety attacksi think i'm going to dieit's suffocatingi can no longer breathi need air...
Why do I stay, when all signs say let go…
Why do I keep on telling myself that you still care…
Why can’t I just accept it and move on…
Why does love hurt this much…
I don’t know if you still access that email account,
But hey, I got nothing to lose.
I sent it anyways.
Just a one liner, greeting you a happy birthday.
Of course, I remember, how can I forget.
You once played a major part in my life.
Few seconds, after hitting the send button,
An IM window popped up,
Bearing your familiar name.
When was the last time we said hello,
I can no longer remember.
But the way we talked, it seems just yesterday.
Thanks for the time you’ve shared your wisdom,
Your love, your dreams with me.
Thanks for still being my friend…
It's been three days now...Lord, give me more strength to move on...
I wanted to share one of my favorite songs...currently playing on my iPod…
LEAD ME LORD
Lead me Lord,
Lead me by the hand and help me face the rising sun
Comfort me through all the pain that life may bring
There's no other hope that I can lean upon
Lead me Lord, lead me all my life...
Walk by me,
Walk by me across the lonely road that I may face
Take my arms and let your hand show me the way
Show the way to live inside your heart
All my days, all my life...
You are my light
You're the lamb upon my feet
All the time my Lord I need You there
You are my light, I cannot live alone
Let me stay by Your guiding love
All through my life, Lead me Lord...
Lead me Lord even though at times
I'd rather go alone my way
Help me take the right direction take Your road
Lead me Lord and never leave my side
All my days, all my life...
You are my light
You're the lamb upon my feet
All the time my Lord I need You there
You are my light, I (just) cannot live alone
Let me stay by Your guiding love
All through my life All through my days
Lead me, O Lord Lead me Lord...
I got a text message from a friend this morning. Usually, I just ignore forwarded messages. But this one made an impact and put a smile on my face..."God never sends you into a situation alone. God go before you. He stands beside you. He walks behind you. Whatever situation you have right now, be confident. God is with you."Thank you Lord for another day.
...the easiest decision is one where you don't really have a choice...but it doesn't follow that it is also the easiest thing to do... =/Today, I made that decision. It would definitely be hard. But I know I can do it. I owe it to myself.
I started the weekend by attending my Saturday yoga class. My plan was just to observe that day's class since I'm still nursing the sprained ankle I got from basketball practice earlier that week. Surprisingly, I was able to do all the poses our yoga teacher asked us to perform.
Anyways, after the class, I ordered take out from Chowking and headed straight to my new condominium unit. There are still a lot of things to do <*sigh>. I passed by the Administration’s office to file my complaints on the leaks under the sink and the continuous flushing of the toilet bowl. One of my friends told me that you’ll not see all the problems of a new unit unless you have moved in. I just hope these are the only problems I’ll have to face. At around 1:15pm, I heard a knock on the door, it was the engineer in charge of the building (small world, the engineer was even a former school mate of mine) together with some contractors to check on my complaints as well as the guys from Blims delivering my new dining set (woohoo!!! another new acquisition for my place). Unfortunately, the contractors had a hard time fixing the leak under my sink. It was almost 3:00pm when they finally finished the job. Gosh!!! I already missed my badminton practice and I have to pay the penalty (a shuttlecock tube worth P700). I’m not excused from the attending the practice though I can’t really play. The agreement was for me to be there so I can watch the drills <*long sigh>. Since I’m already stuck in my apartment, I decided to just continue with the other stuffs that need to be done. I went to Anson’s to buy a new airconditioning unit. Then I set up an appointment with another contractor to have the aircon and the blinds installed. This work took a lot longer. He started at 5:30pm and it was already past 10pm when he completed the installation. It was a very long day and I still have to go back to my current apartment. Ooops, another thing, I skipped my drums lessons <*another sigh>.
Sunday, 9am. Once again, back to my new unit. At around 9:30, it was the turn of the people from SM Home to deliver my bed and bedside table. I had a lot of new things added to my place, and with all these, come additional cleaning that needs to be done. I met with Keysi at around 2:30pm, where else, at the 4th floor -- SM Home. My favorite hang-out since last month. I bought a mop, trash can, etc. Then went to the supermarket to get more cleaning materials…can’t get enough of those…hehehe. After all the shopping, we decided to grab an early dinner. The foods ordered were actually good for a party of four. Then we went back to my new unit where I have to complete some painting. At around 8:30pm, my mind is still willing but my body can no longer comply, so I have no choice but to call it another day.
"Why do we let the one thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we do have? Why does one-minus-a-plus-one feel like it adds up to zero?"-- Carrie Bradshaw
Just wanted to share this article Keysi sent me before...during those times I was questioning the reason for my existence...When All You've Ever Wanted Is Not Enough
-- Harold Kushner
If logic tells us that life is a meaningless accident, says Ecclesiastes at
the end of his journey, don't give up on life. Give up on logic. Listen to
that voice inside you which prompted you to ask the question in the first
place. If logic tells you that in the long run, nothing makes a difference
because we all die and disappear, then don't live in the long run. Instead
of brooding over the fact that nothing lasts, accept that as one of the
truths of life, and learn to find meaning and purpose in the transitory, in
the joys that fade. Learn to savor the moment, even if it does not last
forever. In fact, learn to savor it because it is only a moment and will
not last. Moments of our lives can be eternal without being everlasting.
Can you stop and close your eyes and remember something that happened for
only a moment or two many years ago? It may have been a view of a
spectacular landscape, or a conversation that made you feel loved and
appreciated. In a sense it did not last very long at all, but in another
sense it has lasted all those years and is still going on. That is the only
kind of eternity this world grants us. Can you close your eyes and conjure
up the memory of someone who is now dead but once meant a lot to you? Can
you, in your mind, hear her voice and feel her touch? There is proof that a
person, by learning how to live, can cheat death and live beyond her
allotted years.
When we stop searching for the Great Answer, the Immortal Deed which will
give our lives ongoing meaning, and instead concentrate on filling our
individual days with moments that gratify us, then we will find the only
possible answer to the question, What is life about? It is not about
writing great books, amassing great wealth, achieving great power. It is
about loving and being loved. It is about enjoying your food and sitting in
the sun rather than rushing through lunch and hurrying back to the office.
It is about savoring the beauty of the moments that don't last, the
sunsets, the leaves turning color, the rare moments of true human
communication. It is about savoring them rather than missing out on them
because we are so busy and they will not hold still until we get around
them. The author of Ecclesiastes spent most of his life looking for the
Grand Solution, the Big Answer to the Big Question, only to learn after
wasting many years that trying to find one Big Answer to the problem of
living is like trying to eat one Big Meal so that you will never have to
eat again. There is no Answer, but there are answers: love and the joy of
working, and the simple pleasures of food and fresh clothes, the little
things that tend to get lost and trampled in the search for the Grand
Solution to the Problem of Life and emerge, like the proverbial bluebird of
happiness, only when we have stopped searching. When we come to that stage
in our lives when we are less able to accomplish but more able to enjoy, we
will have attained the wisdom that Ecclesiastes finally found after so many
false starts and disappointments.
Corita Kent, the former nun turned graphic artist, says in one of her
posters, "Life is a series of moments/to live each one is to succeed." We
misunderstand what it really means to be alive if we think that we can
solve the problem of living once and for all by acqiuiring wealth,
acquiring an education, acquiring a suitable husband or wife. We never
solve the problem of living once and for all. We can only deal with it day
by day, a constant struggle to fill each day with one day's worth of
meaning. This, ultimately, is Ecclesiastes' insight and advice to us. Our
author looked in vain for the key to the meaning of life. Try as he might,
he could never find it. But despite his repeated failures, he could not
bring himself to conclude that life was meaningless. He saw and felt the
futility, the injustice of so much that happens to us on earth. But at the
same time, he sensed that life, however muddled and frustrating, was too
sacred, too special, too full of possibilities to be meaningless, even
though he could never find the meaning. At last, he found it not in a few
great deeds but in thousands of little ones.
